Things I Learned at The Potter's Place

I spent 3 hours today at The Potter's Place in Central, SC. I went there for renewal and to visit the grieving pool. Today is the anniversary of the day we lost 2 students at my school and I needed to let go of them and have time to let go of another student I lost just 8 weeks later as well. I sat on the porch of a prayer cabin to eat my lunch and them walked down to the grieving pool. I prayed there for the families of the children in my class who died last year. I prayed also for the teachers and staff at our school and for myself. I wrote the names of the first 2 students on a tile with the whiteboard marker and held the tile in the flow of the stream. Watching their names wash away, I allowed God to wash peace over my heart and soul. It seems odd that I would have to let these kids go but I realized that I have been trying to hold onto something I never really controlled anyway. Then I wrote the name of the student who died in July last year on another tile. I stood near the water and prayed and cried - hard - and realized that I wasn't ready to put that tile in the water. I couldn't let go. Why? I was ANGRY! This emotion in this situation was not new but I didn't realize before today how much it kept me from moving on to a new normal without these kids in my life. As the first grade teacher of two of the three children, I had poured my heart into them and their deaths were devastating to me. 

So I began raging at God between bouts of sobbing. I screamed "I don't understand why You let this happen!". I asked why He didn't protect those children. I asked boldly for him to bring the kids back - after all - I shouted at him - "You have the power to do that!".  I told God that I knew this anger wasn't good for me and that He knew I wasn't just angry at Him. God knows the other things that fueled my anger. I begged God to take my anger. I asked Him how He could use me if I was so angry. What did I have to offer His people? How could I possibly help others when I was falling apart? When I wasn't raging at God because I was sobbing or just worn out, I listened. Here's what I learned at the grieving pool.

1. God is a strong God and can take all the anger I can throw at him and still love me and bring me peace.
2. Once I let the water at the grieving pool wash away what I wrote on the tiles, I couldn't grab it back. (Perhaps that's why I had such a hard time with my anger - I didn't WANT to let it go.)
3. When I was begging God to take my anger, He said "Take the tile to the water and give it to me". He won't take what we ask him to take from us unless we give it to him.
4. Giving the junk to God brings the peace we long for. 
5. Symbolism is powerful!

I wrote the words "My anger" on the tile above the name of the child and walked over to the stream and prayed some more. Then little by little I let the water wash away the words "My anger" and finally the name of the child I thought I couldn't let go of. I felt immediate peace. Praise God!

After my experience at the grieving pool, I walked back toward the prayer cabin and decided to walk along the prayer path, stopping from time to time to read the writings in the walkway, and to commune with God. Here's what I learned there:

1. “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 
   ― Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook  I related this to my anger and realized that my anger over past tragedies was robbing me of peace today.
2. It probably isn't possible to be an instrument of God's peace when I don't have that peace myself. 
3. I cannot sow love where there is hatred if I carry anger and hatred in my heart.
4. If I trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understandings; if I acknowledge Him in all ways, He will direct my path! (See Proverbs 3:5-6) I don't have to understand it all if I lean on God because He's got it all in control - if I give it to Him.

I went back to the prayer cabin, wrote in the journal, prayed, and received Communion. I realized when I was praying during Communion that my holding onto my anger and my refusing to let God have control is like spitting in the face of what Christ did for me. God understands my pain and He brought me peace today. I also learned that God wants me to share things like this with others and that the falterings of my humanness is what I have to offer as long as I share the One in whom I find my peace. Thanks be to God!

Questioning and Keeping the Faith

We've all been witness to what we perceive as the negative consequences of decisions that others have made. It may be that we are directly affected by the consequences of those decisions or it may be that we care about others who are affected by the consequences of those decisions. We may wonder, why does God let this happen if He truly wants what is best for us? Asking that question assumes that what we desire is in line with what God knows is best for us. 

Often, while on this journey of life, I forget that just because I perceive that something is good, and I desire for it to be so, it may not be in the plans that God has for me! When things don't go the way I think they should and I begin to question God, I sometimes wonder if this shows a lack of faith on my part. I know that I should look for what God has for me to learn, how He can help me grow and how He will work good from what I perceive as bad. That is always easier to advise others to do than to actually do myself. 

In my head I know that God has good plans for me. He told me in Jeremiah that His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. I know this! But when it feels like the world is crumbling around me, when I see children neglected and I try but can't fix it, when it seems that good work is overlooked or ignored, when I try to do good and am thwarted, I have trouble feeling like God is prospering me. Now I know that Satan can really get a foothold in times of questioning if I let him. 

God also promises to give me a hope and a future. That comes right after the promise to prosper me and not to harm me. If I stop there and don't remember that I have the promise of a hope and a future - I have trouble keeping the faith. If I read on, can press on. I can persevere. I know I will have to wade through a lot of muck in this world to get to the end and my eternal home in Heaven. When I find myself wading in the muck, I must remind myself to look toward the hope and future and to look at the mountain top experiences like a friend's healing, a new career doing what God called me to do, new life, the satisfaction that comes from a job well done (even if no one notices) - I must look at these things and remember the promise of a hope and a future to keep the faith. 

Is questioning bad? Probably not; especially if the questioning leads to reading the Word to be reminded of the many promises God has for me. I pray that I will remember this the next time I am wading through some muck. Note to self:  God being your guide, persevere - keep on doing the good that you can do - keep the faith - claim the promises!  

Negativity vs. Contentment - The Choice to be Happy

I sometimes struggle with complaining and negativity. I truly think of myself as an optimist and try to turn negative into positive but sometimes I get stuck in a negative rut. One thing I've learned over time is that my happiness is a choice I must make daily. Sometimes I have to make this choice minute by minute. Perhaps it's not so much happiness but contentment that comes minute by minute and contentment breeds happiness.

Negativity comes from discontent. It breeds more negativity and can lead to becoming and remaining very unhappy. Negativity and complaining gets in the way of my happiness. Why would I choose negativity?

• Associating with negative people:  Let's face it - some people are just negative people. Their complaining and negativity can become like a vacuum, sucking me in and catching me up in it with them.
• Change is hard! Often change brings about negative feelings. Few people enjoy change but living means change. So if we plan to go on living, we will continue to experience change.
• Bad things happen - even to people who are good. When bad things happen, it can be easy to get low and when I get low, I sometimes focus on the negative rather than the positive.

What to do? How can I turn it around and make a different choice? Here are some things that help me:

• Get away from negative people. Now I know that sometimes this isn't possible because we all have to work and live with negative people. Check out other options below.
• Change the subject - talk about something that's not negative.
• Find the positive in the situation at hand.
• Manage the change rather than letting the change manage you.
• When bad things happen, look back - God has always given me a way to get through. I look back to see His hand to be reminded that He is faithful.

There are people in life who choose to see the cloud rather than the silver lining. I want to be the one who looks for the silver lining even when others think there is none. Being positive may seem unrealistic but I am a happier person for it! So you see, happiness is a choice. 

Lessons Learned from Honeysuckle Vines

We've decided we want to move a portion of chain link fence. We've allowed some vines to grow along the fence - bad idea.  As I was trying to remove honeysuckle vines that have intertwined with a chain link fence, I was thinking about these vines. Like the vines, we can adapt, grow, and change. I was struck by how the vines changed direction and wove themselves in and out of the fence in order to grow. Like the vines, we can be stubborn and resist being moved. The vines were strong, resisting my efforts to the point that I didn't finish the job even after an hour of work.

So while I was cutting and pulling at vines, I was thinking that I want to be able to grow and change; to move with the times and to weave my life into the lives of others that God puts in my path. But I also want to be a little bit stubborn and stand up for the things I believe are important, refusing to be moved sometimes. God being my helper, I will know when to grow and change, finding new direction, weaving my life in a new way. I'll also know when it's time to be stubborn and resist change because He wants me to do that.

Wow! Time Flies!

So more than one year later I come back with my second post. Maybe this blogging thing isn't for me? Who knows but I'm going to try again. In the past year, I have taught another group of first graders how to work together, solve their problems, help others, and support one another. What I witnessed and became involved with in my classroom sometimes made me laugh and sometimes made me cry. Every year I fall in love with my new class and we all grow together. There is much I learn from them and I am so very thankful God has placed me in this vocation.

How am I doing with my will? Well I found myself more and more asking God what He wants and then listening. He gave me clear directions when I thought I wanted to change positions. He said 'not yet'. I received that same answer in a different way when I asked for guidance regarding moving my contract to a school closer to my home. As I turned in my letter of intent, with tears in my eyes, I knew that God had not released me to go elsewhere. Why the tears? I was giving up this particular battle of wills and it hurt. The selfish part of me wanted to teach closer to home rather than driving nearly 40 miles round trip each day. But the part of me that is committed to living within God's will didn't have peace about doing that. I know this means that God has big things in store for me next school year. I also know it won't always be easy but He still has work for me to do at DES and I intend to keep on keepin' on and bloom where I am planted.

In this journey called life, I am fining it easier and easier to say 'not my will, but thine o' Lord' with His help. Thanks be to God!

Starting Out

Home is where my heart is. I know that my real home is in Heaven and my heart longs to be there. Don't get me wrong, I am not anxious to leave behind loved ones. I just have this desire to live in paradise. Don't you? My journey there has been, in part, God's choosing. I have to say though that a great part of my journey has been due to my choosing. I am working on changing that. It's tough to give up my will for His. I want to be comfortable and I am so afraid that if I give in to God's will, I will be uncomfortable. Does anyone out there feel this same struggle of "whose will is going to win"? I hope to use this blog to share with others my journey while I am on my way home. My hope is that it will prod me to continue as I reflect on where I've been and look forward to where I am going.