Things I Learned at The Potter's Place

I spent 3 hours today at The Potter's Place in Central, SC. I went there for renewal and to visit the grieving pool. Today is the anniversary of the day we lost 2 students at my school and I needed to let go of them and have time to let go of another student I lost just 8 weeks later as well. I sat on the porch of a prayer cabin to eat my lunch and them walked down to the grieving pool. I prayed there for the families of the children in my class who died last year. I prayed also for the teachers and staff at our school and for myself. I wrote the names of the first 2 students on a tile with the whiteboard marker and held the tile in the flow of the stream. Watching their names wash away, I allowed God to wash peace over my heart and soul. It seems odd that I would have to let these kids go but I realized that I have been trying to hold onto something I never really controlled anyway. Then I wrote the name of the student who died in July last year on another tile. I stood near the water and prayed and cried - hard - and realized that I wasn't ready to put that tile in the water. I couldn't let go. Why? I was ANGRY! This emotion in this situation was not new but I didn't realize before today how much it kept me from moving on to a new normal without these kids in my life. As the first grade teacher of two of the three children, I had poured my heart into them and their deaths were devastating to me. 

So I began raging at God between bouts of sobbing. I screamed "I don't understand why You let this happen!". I asked why He didn't protect those children. I asked boldly for him to bring the kids back - after all - I shouted at him - "You have the power to do that!".  I told God that I knew this anger wasn't good for me and that He knew I wasn't just angry at Him. God knows the other things that fueled my anger. I begged God to take my anger. I asked Him how He could use me if I was so angry. What did I have to offer His people? How could I possibly help others when I was falling apart? When I wasn't raging at God because I was sobbing or just worn out, I listened. Here's what I learned at the grieving pool.

1. God is a strong God and can take all the anger I can throw at him and still love me and bring me peace.
2. Once I let the water at the grieving pool wash away what I wrote on the tiles, I couldn't grab it back. (Perhaps that's why I had such a hard time with my anger - I didn't WANT to let it go.)
3. When I was begging God to take my anger, He said "Take the tile to the water and give it to me". He won't take what we ask him to take from us unless we give it to him.
4. Giving the junk to God brings the peace we long for. 
5. Symbolism is powerful!

I wrote the words "My anger" on the tile above the name of the child and walked over to the stream and prayed some more. Then little by little I let the water wash away the words "My anger" and finally the name of the child I thought I couldn't let go of. I felt immediate peace. Praise God!

After my experience at the grieving pool, I walked back toward the prayer cabin and decided to walk along the prayer path, stopping from time to time to read the writings in the walkway, and to commune with God. Here's what I learned there:

1. “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 
   ― Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook  I related this to my anger and realized that my anger over past tragedies was robbing me of peace today.
2. It probably isn't possible to be an instrument of God's peace when I don't have that peace myself. 
3. I cannot sow love where there is hatred if I carry anger and hatred in my heart.
4. If I trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understandings; if I acknowledge Him in all ways, He will direct my path! (See Proverbs 3:5-6) I don't have to understand it all if I lean on God because He's got it all in control - if I give it to Him.

I went back to the prayer cabin, wrote in the journal, prayed, and received Communion. I realized when I was praying during Communion that my holding onto my anger and my refusing to let God have control is like spitting in the face of what Christ did for me. God understands my pain and He brought me peace today. I also learned that God wants me to share things like this with others and that the falterings of my humanness is what I have to offer as long as I share the One in whom I find my peace. Thanks be to God!